Section 3: Depression

Prologue

How long can you hold that smile

Before it turns upside down

How long can you force that laugh

Before it wears you down and reveals your frown

You’re telling me you’re perfectly fine

With white lies in your red eyes

How can you say you’re remotely okay

When clearly your face tells me otherwise

Remind Me

Remind me how to smile

For I’ve forgotten how

It’s been a long, long while

And I’ve grown old now

Remind me how to love

Laugh, be loved, and live life

But dear please don’t tell me

How to breath and survive

Run

The sky's ominously grey

A harbinger of doomsday

The rain and the hurricane

Are coming to wipe my pain

My two sides of brain

They are at war again

One telling me to stay

The other to run away

I've run out of songs to play

And run out of words to say

To keep me alive and sane

For me to survive this bane

So in silence I remain

Until the tornado wanes

And in the darkness I pray

For the storm to fade away

Light

Amidst the blinding spotlight

I retreat to perfect darkness

In the midst of the crowd cheers

I relapse to perpetual silence

Between the lightning and thunder

I shut my eyes and cover my ears

Upon a series of inevitable failures

I wipe the tears on my own shoulders

In a state of wild confusion

I lose myself in a wild dense jungle

With no guidance or direction

I learn the meaning of survival

In the absence of people

I find myself in the mirror

At the end of the abysmal tunnel

I see light drawing near

Shadow (Part 1)

Faceless silhouette

Cast upon the ground

Glaring, staring me down

As I'm falling into it

A cold, dark abyss

The shadow or the Sun

Who side am I on

If I just turn around

Maybe I can shine along

Outside this shade's comfort

Shadow (Part 2)

Many a time have I died

As many times been reborn

More times still I have lied

Many more times been warned

I'm afraid of my own shadow

Is it fate to fail and to fall?

Sun sets, and shadow growls and growls

Mayhaps I have to howl and crawl

Anniversary

21 laps around the Sun

And I am running straight to death

They say ‘you should be having fun’

But I am running…out of breath

Confetti raining on black parade

Celebrated with bloody cake

A cake sliced with a knife

Just like time cutting my life

Where Do I Begin

Waiting for my battery to die

Downing another dose of caffeine

Stargazing with my bloodshot eyes

Savouring every stroke of the wind

I'm singing along with the nightingale

Whilst sinking in a bed of rose thorns

I'm trying to breathe but to no avail

Relapsing into writing but where do I begin

Writer’s Block

Low on money, high on coffee

In the middle of a melancholy spree

To stay and stare, or to stray

To write or not to write this vague story

Never a Shakespeare, sorry for that matter

And neither Homer nor Rumi

Merely a wannabe, maybe

Seeking cheap superficial sympathy

Oh dear, what shall I write tonight

Oh what, if remotely necessary

What shall I write tomorrow

Oh no, please don’t ask me

Would anyone care anyway?

Oh God, my mind is in limbo!

Ah, yes, I know; I either need my pillow

Or yet another shot of espresso

Whites Lies

There were things that he was unable to tell you

And so he had to lie but not because he wanted to

He just wished that all the words he said were true

For nobody understood what he was going through

Happy for You

He spectates as they shower in limelight

With their proud smiles and laughter

From down the stage through his shades

Whilst perched at one corner

Poker face yet sour and bitter with envy

Hoping to steal their hard-earned thunder

In the round of applause he wonders

If his heart has been corrupted by selfish desire

‘How can I be happy for you’,

He silently asks them,

‘If I cannot be happy too?’

‘But how can I ever be happy…

If I cannot even be happy for you?’

Stream of Time

Why

Why do you cry

Over the milk

That you yourself spilled

Why

Do you even try

To turn back time

Don’t you know it’s futile

Oh my

Look at the mess

That you have made

Look at the time

You have betrayed

Start all over again

But I’m afraid

That it’s too late

Where

Where goes the dream

That stirred you up

From your little sleep

Tell me

If it’s still there

Or has it slipped

Washed away

By the stream of time

That keeps flowing

Whisper of Wind

Wind whispers into her ears

And washes her weary face

Blowing her straight hair into waves

Of dancing long black threads

Combing the wild elegant hair

Although some have turned grey

Trying to take her along

But it will have to wait for a storm

But it manages to take away

Some of her pains from yesterday

As it whispers into her ears

Telling her “hey, it is okay”

My Pillow and I

I asked for a shoulder to cry on

A finger to wipe away my tears

A voice to console my conflicted soul

An ear to listen to all of my troubles

But all I had was a lifeless pillow

Tenderness that I lay my head on

Thickness that smothered my scream

Softness that lulled me to dream

I never asked for this cheap pillow

Neither did I ever ask for this life

But who knew that a single pillow

Was all I ever needed to survive

The Alarm

The alarm goes off

Screaming into my soul

Crashing my sweet dream

Prompting me to arise

The alarm goes off

Alerting me to exit

From dark paradise

To the curse of life

The alarm goes on

Even after snooze

Even after morn

Has turned to noon

The clock rings on

And I wish I were deaf

I wish I were dead

Alive

Lying on my deathbed

Risen from the dead

Risen with a mixture

Of gratitude and regret

Pillow under my head

Showered in my sweat

Or tears? I wonder

At the mirror long I stared

Bloodshot-eyed

I think I died

I think I survived

I think I am alive

Bloodshot-eyed

I think I died

I think I survived

I think I am alive

Me and My Poems

Me and my poems

Just me and my poems

As it has always been

If only they were humans

Somebody who could listen

But what a wishful thinking

Maybe someday they will be

Maybe one day there will be

A soul that understands

I shall be here waiting

Patiently right here waiting

But keep writing until then

Wait

I shall not speak to the deaf

Nor shall I write to the blind

But who else do I have

To share these thoughts of mine

Maybe one day they’ll understand

What all these words could’ve meant

Until then

I shall hold on to this dying pen

While patiently wait

For those who can relate

Who share the same fate

The few that appreciate

Perhaps that day would be my death

After I've breathed my last breath

On my old desk, on my old chair

Only then might someone care

Beautiful Scars

They couldn't perceive

her intangible pain,

hence the wound she crafted

with too sharp a brush

and too thick a paint

diluted with tears.

Rose red crosses

across numb tender arms;

tender arms as canvas.

A scarlet palette

for tattoo of blood

from cursed scars of hers.

Sad Man

In a room of sad people

I'd be the sad man

Just in case you need a shoulder

I could lend a hand

And if you need an ear

To split the pain

You know I'd be right here

To understand

Epilogue

If I frown in my down

When I’m silent with no sound

They can’t see me eye to eye

Or even ask how am I

If I sink and I drown

When I’m buried underground

Will they notice my phantom

Or live on like I was always one